I try to control others because FA has left me with so little that I can control
Controlling things is my way of regaining what I've lost
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On a chilly January day, my husband, Dave, and I took down our Christmas tree. I love those two to three weeks each year when my Christmas tree sparkles in the living room. I find my tree so magical for its beauty and for the ornaments laden with memories.
There are many tokens of religious and spiritual life that evoke a sense of the divine or magic. The Christmas tree is one of mine.
My job was to wrap and store the ornaments for next year. I have this job because I have Friedreich’s ataxia (FA), which causes me to use a wheelchair, making me not tall enough to take the tree down.
Dave’s job was to take it down and bring it to the basement. I gave him his marching orders on how to store the tree to ensure its longevity, and then I left the room. When I came back 20 minutes later — not to check on him — he was watching football, the job halfway done. I didn’t think the branches were in the right shape for storage. So, without saying anything, since the tree was already separated and I could reach everything, I began smushing the branches the way I thought they should go.
Even given how much I love the tree, I could see how controlling I was being. I micromanaged him by telling him how to put the tree away. Then, when he didn’t do it as I prescribed, I took over. It felt rotten, but I did it anyway. It must be said that our previous artificial tree lasted about 16 years. It’s not like this was Dave’s first time putting away an artificial tree.
The difference between controlling others, having control
Needing to have some sense of control in my life isn’t wrong of me. According to PsychCentral, it’s a “natural human desire” that “gives a feeling of order, stability, and safety.”
But FA is so out of my control — there’s only one approved treatment and no cure — that I try to rein in other aspects of my life. That’s my theory, anyway. I’m simply trying to regain some of the control over my life that I’ve lost. It is only natural for me to want that. However, trying to control everything only makes me and the people around me miserable.
Trying to control what others do is exhausting. Letting others do it their way is not exhausting. You ask, they say yes (hopefully), and when it is done, you say thank you.
When my medical needs or safety demand precision, I do have to give detailed instructions, and I have to stay vigilant to ensure they’re being followed. This falls under the healthy act of asking for what you need. But Dave is a grown man who is fully capable of putting away a Christmas tree. Life with someone with FA is challenging enough without my making him feel inadequate over something so small.
Luckily for us, this behavior of mine is something we’ve dealt with before. He knows it’s a fruitless way for me to try to regain control of my life. Almost always, I recognize when I’m doing it, but I’m fairly certain I will continue working on this until the day I die.
In the meantime, I try to be guided by the Serenity Prayer: “God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference.”
Note: Friedreich’s Ataxia News is strictly a news and information website about the disease. It does not provide medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. This content is not intended to be a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Always seek the advice of your physician or another qualified health provider with any questions you may have regarding a medical condition. Never disregard professional medical advice or delay in seeking it because of something you have read on this website. The opinions expressed in this column are not those of Friedreich’s Ataxia News or its parent company, Bionews, and are intended to spark discussion about issues pertaining to Friedreich’s ataxia.
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